At SFP, we’ve found that the biggest money struggles in families often start with the hurdle of talking openly about money. Communication sits at the heart of all strong, robust and long-lasting relationships, but it’s easily one of the hardest things to do effectively. George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
We talk at each other, not to each other. We think our message has landed, but often, it hasn’t. This means that how we think, feel and behave with our money remains unheard, and sometimes unchallenged. On many occasions, clients have asked our financial advisers to mediate conversations around their finances with their partners, kids and parents. And, inevitably these conversations bring up so much more than just their money stress.
This is because money is linked to everything we have done, do, and still hope to do. From how we grew up to the way we choose to earn, spend and save our money – all of it is entrenched deep inside.
Stephen Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, said that the biggest communication problem is that we do not listen to understand; we listen to reply. Money can be a highly volatile topic (because we’re not used to talking and listening openly), bringing an emotional charge to the conversation. When we’re emotionally charged, we tend to think about how we will defend ourselves and our loved ones, which means it will be harder to listen to what other people say. We’re listening to respond, not to understand.
We need to develop skills when talking about money, and we have found these tips to be extremely helpful:
– Be mindful of your emotions, as well as the emotions of the person you are talking to
– Try not to interrupt the other person/people
– Being judgemental is only going to make the other person shut down
– Keep to the topic at hand
– Think about who might also be able to help
– Create solutions together
The way that we work with our money and include others in those conversations is another way to express love, care, concern and encouragement. It takes some effort at first, but the more we practice, the easier it gets! If you’d like to talk to one of our SFP advisers, please feel free to get in touch.